When I was a little girl I use to pretend the government had a secret Pillow Inspector Division (PID) with hidden cameras everywhere and that someday I’d wind up getting a visit from the Pillow Police for illegal tag removal… (Yeah, never would’ve guessed I’d grow up to become a fiction writer someday, huh?)
I only bring this up because I’m doing laundry right now—specifically, pillows and assorted pillow paraphernalia—while having a very interesting conversation with the one and only +Michael Lamerique on Google about the prevalence of pillow tag mutilation in the United States. It’s a strange proclivity of Western culture really and, I must admit, that I’ve been guilty of callously ripping the tags off of my pillows without proper permission in the past too.
I’m not sure why people do it. Is it the thrill of not getting caught? Or maybe there’s a small rebellious part inside us all that simply enjoys preying on poor innocent pillows? For me, it’s a little of both. I guess that’s something I’ll have to explore further with a court ordered psychiatrist someday… Maybe even donate to the Purple Heart for penance.
Anyway, all of this provocative pillow talk got me thinking… Why are those DO NOT REMOVE tags on pillows, cushions, and mattresses anyway? What gives? Was there once a pillow apocalypse that produced this peculiar practice?
So, I turned to Google for help and was pleasantly surprised with the explanation I found…
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Happy Christmas Eve, my lovelies! Here’s one of my all time favorite spoofs of Clement Clark Moore’s timeless poem “Twas the Night Before Christmas” written from the perspective of a Homeboy living in the Hood. Why? Because it’s the funniest and has been floating around online for years now—and I just like it, that’s why! So there! :-P
Every time I read this version, I picture rapper Flavor Flav dressed up as Ghetto Santa Claus but, since he wasn’t available, we’ll have to settle for this guy instead…
‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (GHETTO VERSION)
‘Twas da night befo’ Christmas & all in the hood,
Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good;
The tube socks was hung on the window sill
And we all had smiles up on our grill.
Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib -
In the back bedroom, cuz that’s how we live.
And Mom’s in her do-rag and me with my nine,
Had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.
All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by,
Bumpin’ phat beats cuz the system’s fly;
I bounced to the window at a quarter pas’
’Bout ready to pop a cap in somebody’s ass!
Well anyway…. I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this!
She said, “Stop frontin’ and just mind yo’ bidness.”
I said, for real doe, “come check dis out,”
We weren’t even buggin’, no worries, no doubt.
Cuz bumpin’ an thumpin’ from around da way
Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh;
Da beats was kickin’, da ride was phat,
I said, “Yo red Dawg, you all that!”
He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz,
“Ay yo, give it up, let’s make some noise!
To the top of the projects and across the strip mall,
We gots ta go, I got a booty call!”
He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof,
And sippin’ on a 40, he busted a move;
I yelled up to Santa, “Yo ain’t got no stack!”
He said, “Damn homie, deese projects is wack!”
“But don’t worry black, cuz I gots da skillz -
I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz.”
Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings
A credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.
He slid down the fire escape smoove as a cat,
And busted the window wit’ a b-ball bat.
I said, “Whassup, Santa? Whyd’ya bust my place?”
He said, “You best get on up out my face!”
His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,
His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old;
He dropped down the duffle, Bull’s logo on the side.
Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.
A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,
He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof;
He jumped in his hooptie wit’ rims made of chrome,
To tap that big booty waitin’ at home.
And all I heard as he cruised outta sight,
Was a loud and hearty….. “WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!”
I thought I’d post another excerpt from my upcoming YA fantasy novel DE. This, one’s much more lighthearted!
Sometimes, right in the middle of a very serious or pivotal scene, a character will say or do something so totally off the wall that you can’t help but laugh! My character Penny does this to me every chance she gets (usually while she’s facing down certain death) and I absolutely adore her for it!
Here’s an EXCERPT:
“Doo-dee-doo-doo, doo-dee-doo-doo…” I sing in a hushed whisper.
DeAndre stops struggling against his tree trunk long enough to glare at me. “What the—? Did you just sing The Twilight Zone theme song?”
I sigh and shrug glumly. “I figure if we’re gonna die, we miles well have a theme song.”
Hahaha Yep! That’s my Lucky Penny! Give the girl dire circumstances to face, with a chance to speak her mind, and she will pleasantly surprise me every time! :)
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I stumbled across this, posted by clitorisesandsnorlaxes, on Tumblr today and it made me laugh so much I just had to repost here!
I wonder what the first draft of the Bible looked like?
God swoops down to Eve. Adam looks up. He looks amused, he says, “Yo, God. What’s up?”
“Stop talking to me. Here, have a girl, it’ll help my headache,” God said while doing a bunch of magic tricks like making a girl out of Adam’s rib and some dirt.
A naked girl appeared! She started snuggling Adam. “Thanks dude,” Adam said with amusement.
God swooped away.
“Let’s go eat some apples,” Adam’s new friend, Eve, suggested.
They did that. Adam got an erection. God was pissed.
Hahahaha Hey, I’d be pretty ticked off too if my son banged his sister on my nice clean carpet (grass) in my personal paradise (Eden) after gorging themselves on food I told them not to take from the refrigerator (Tree of Knowledge) and blamed it all on a boa constrictor (which we all know is really a euphemism for Adam’s boner, not Satan!) and then told me she might be pregnant!
I mean WTF?! Keep it under your fig leaf, buddy! :)
Oh hey! That means Adam had the first trouser snake! (Or should I say figsnake? hehe) Yeah, it’s not like men haven’t been blaming that on women since the beginning of time or anything! *Eyeroll*
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Here’s UK author Meg Rosoff sharing how to write your first seven books. Book 1 will be your Bestseller and should start like this:
For your first book, have no idea whatsoever until the very last minute, then sit down and write it effortlessly in three months (before, during and after work, and after your small child has gone to bed). Do very few revisions. This book will be a bestseller.
Hmm, I don’t have a small child yet… I wonder if there’s any way I can rent or borrow one? There is an elementary school at the end of my street… hehe (I’m joking, people!)
For book two —have a great idea, take nearly a year to write a first draft, show it proudly to your…editors, who will reject it out of hand, actively discouraging you from bothering to revise. Spend another year fixing it before anyone will agree to publish it…
Okay, so when it comes to Book 2, I just won’t ever submit it to my Editor! Problem solved! :)
Book three will take a year or so, without giving too much trouble. The ending will prove stubborn, causing months of delay, but the rest will more or less flow.
So you’re saying I should just skip Book 2 and head straight for Book 3 then? Whew! That’s a relief!
You can read the rest here. Warning: It’s quite entertaining! Mainly because it’s true! lol
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So I was having a political discussion on FB today when two of my friends, and fellow writers, decided to jump in and make my day!
Of course, writers are known for their vivid imaginations so the conversation went from zany to downright bizarre pretty much immediately.
So I got to spend time with two of my new favorite furpeople [read: dogs] yesterday, Daisy the Basset Hound and Ellie the Weimaraner! Mom and I agreed to pet sit for a friend and, let me tell you, it was quite an adventure!
We started off by swinging by the PetSmart PetsHotel in Collegeville to pick up our super excited canine companions…
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Damn skippy! :) I AM JEDI HEAR ME ROAR!!
Hahaha My friend Jeff posted this on my FB Timeline and I absolutely adore him for it! Even the Death Star needs coverage! :)
Haha THIS is why I love my friends…
Me: *Swats hand* For the last time, they don’t honk if you squeeze them!
Isaac: On my planet they do. *honk hoonk ah ooooogah*
How can I possibly argue with that?! *Shakeshead*
P.S. I’m kinda scared to ask what sound a penis makes when you squeeze it! LMAO ;)